I know many of you have been asking (offline) for more blog updates. It can often be a challenge when we hear no new news ourselves! We're still waiting on a court date, we're considering our travel plans, and we're waiting on news of when the Mayo Clinic pediatricians will get to see our son. Our doctor has sent her recommendations to our agency, and we've been assured that that will be shared with the Mayo docs.
In the meantime, many of you may know that I'm a new uncle! My brother and his wife had a beautiful baby girl just a few months ago. A Sagittarius, just like me, so you know she's going to be awesome. Our son is about 6 weeks older than her, and we look forward to seeing the two of them grow up as cousins. So before things get too crazy on our end with imminent travel to Ethiopia, I want to meet my new niece.
So a couple of months ago I planned a trip to visit my brother (and sister) in NYC for the Presidents Day weekend. My parents were going to visit the same weekend so the whole family could get together, but they got the weekend wrong (confused presidents birthday for presidents day OBSERVED). They ended up going the weekend prior. As for me, I was going to take a red-eye on Thursday night, work from my brother and sister-in-law's place in Long Island City, and then hang for the weekend.
I show up at the airport on time (930 for a 1035pm red-eye), but should have checked for weather delays. rain and wind in the bay area put the incoming flight about an hour behind schedule. I settle in, run into a friend of a friend who is on the same flight. We chat. We wait. The plane lands near 11pm and they announce that one of the flight attendants fell ill on the way here and is on the way to the hospital. So they are short staffed and scrambling to find a sub. A difficult proposition given that JetBlue's nearest reserve city is Long Beach. It's after 11pm and most flights are in. Finally at 1140pm, they announce that the flight is CANCELED because they are short one flight attendant to legally get off the ground. BOOO!!!
There's a mad scramble at the gate as people try to reschedule their flights. I try to get rebooked, but it's a holiday weekend and they can't get me to my destination until Saturday afternoon. Whatever! That would make my trip too short, and if I wanted to extend it, I don't know that I'd have any luck because it is a holiday weekend and everything is pretty booked. so I decide i'll put off my trip for a month.
There's a catch. JetBlue refunds my points (made my flight reservation using points), but to reschedule for one month later the flight will cost me 50% more points!!! It's totally BS, but it seems there's no away around that. So I'm filing a complaint with JetBlue because their $50 credit voucher is at least $100 short of what I'd need to reschedule a flight that they had to cancel. AAAARGGGG!!!
Anyway, I haven't yet booked the flight. trying to work a few more things out, but I expect to meet my niece around my sister's birthday. Double bill! We hope we'll be much closer to a court date or actual travel by then.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Roller Coaster
Sorry for the hiatus. Last week was a bit of a roller coaster. Well, this whole thing is a ride, really.
As you know, we've been trying to get our boy to Addis. He's barely gaining weight and we'd like a doctor to examine him. But the docs don't make it out to the rural area much, and they don't have the facilities there for tests. So Addis it must be.
Early last week our case specialist sent us a PDF of a fax from the nurse at the orphanage saying that Bedilu is healthy, no vomiting, no diarrhea, no sign of dehydration, no fever, no danger signs. signs of malnutrition but nothing deathly. His growth charts are still way behind, but his head circumference is growing well so that's good. Maybe he'll have a big head just like dad (me)!
What we see here is a classic case of relative perspective. From our point of view, things don't look good. From their point of view, as scary as it sounds, they've probably seen much worse. Our doctor recommends transfer and sees things more gravely. The Ethiopia staff will take her recommendations under advisement, but ultimately it's their decision. It's hard to take comfort in that, but we really don't have much choice. But choosing to see the brighter side of a dim picture doesn't mean we're satisfied or will stop trying to improve it.
We still don't know if or when a transfer to Addis will happen. And even if it does, we learned last week that the babies will continue to be cup fed. This is hard for us to accept because we know of other cases/care centers/adoption agencies that do bottle feeding.
Late last week we had a conversation with our doctor. She revisited the medical records and the photos and she tempered her assessment a bit. She said if given the same records today, she'd still make the same assessments as she did when we first retained her. That might not sound great, but it was actually an improvement over our last conversation with her. You'll recall that she had assessed the photos and was very concerned. Regarding the new photos we discussed a couple of blog posts ago, she said the skin stuff looks like something that can be treated, not a permanent condition. She was concerned about the lack of catch-up growth, but then said it's the nurse who is with the baby, not her. She said the assessment is probably somewhere between the nurse's view and her view. We've got different standards than they do, and we need to try and trust the care he's being given there, especially given the fact that we don't have control over it.
Then on Friday, our case specialist told us that pediatricians from the Mayo Clinic are going to travel to the orphanage in a few weeks and are scheduled to see Bedilu. Although weeks seem like months, I'm happy to hear it. We're looking forward to that assessment.
So in increments, I try to find these little glimmers of hope and savor tiny victories, because that's all we really have. It's too easy to get wrapped up in what's not working, but that's not my style. Yet I don't want to be ignorant or in denial. It's a fine line. It's a roller coaster.
As you know, we've been trying to get our boy to Addis. He's barely gaining weight and we'd like a doctor to examine him. But the docs don't make it out to the rural area much, and they don't have the facilities there for tests. So Addis it must be.
Early last week our case specialist sent us a PDF of a fax from the nurse at the orphanage saying that Bedilu is healthy, no vomiting, no diarrhea, no sign of dehydration, no fever, no danger signs. signs of malnutrition but nothing deathly. His growth charts are still way behind, but his head circumference is growing well so that's good. Maybe he'll have a big head just like dad (me)!
What we see here is a classic case of relative perspective. From our point of view, things don't look good. From their point of view, as scary as it sounds, they've probably seen much worse. Our doctor recommends transfer and sees things more gravely. The Ethiopia staff will take her recommendations under advisement, but ultimately it's their decision. It's hard to take comfort in that, but we really don't have much choice. But choosing to see the brighter side of a dim picture doesn't mean we're satisfied or will stop trying to improve it.
We still don't know if or when a transfer to Addis will happen. And even if it does, we learned last week that the babies will continue to be cup fed. This is hard for us to accept because we know of other cases/care centers/adoption agencies that do bottle feeding.
Late last week we had a conversation with our doctor. She revisited the medical records and the photos and she tempered her assessment a bit. She said if given the same records today, she'd still make the same assessments as she did when we first retained her. That might not sound great, but it was actually an improvement over our last conversation with her. You'll recall that she had assessed the photos and was very concerned. Regarding the new photos we discussed a couple of blog posts ago, she said the skin stuff looks like something that can be treated, not a permanent condition. She was concerned about the lack of catch-up growth, but then said it's the nurse who is with the baby, not her. She said the assessment is probably somewhere between the nurse's view and her view. We've got different standards than they do, and we need to try and trust the care he's being given there, especially given the fact that we don't have control over it.
Then on Friday, our case specialist told us that pediatricians from the Mayo Clinic are going to travel to the orphanage in a few weeks and are scheduled to see Bedilu. Although weeks seem like months, I'm happy to hear it. We're looking forward to that assessment.
So in increments, I try to find these little glimmers of hope and savor tiny victories, because that's all we really have. It's too easy to get wrapped up in what's not working, but that's not my style. Yet I don't want to be ignorant or in denial. It's a fine line. It's a roller coaster.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Timelines
I know what you’re thinking. At least I think I do. WHEN?
Perhaps the most frequent question we get when we tell people the news of our referral is So when is it happening? When are you bringing him home? We wish we knew! We have no dates to report, but here’s an overview of estimated timelines as of how things stand right now. Mind you, these are estimates and things are apt to change without notice (much as we have experienced since this whole process began in 2008).
The first thing you should know is that Ethiopia recently changed to a two-trip process. Ironically, one of the reasons why we chose Ethiopia is because it only required one trip of about one week. That has changed last summer. The Ethiopian government announced that it was going to require adoptive parents to attend the court date in person. In the past, a representative who works with our agency was given Power of Attorney to do the court business. But now they require adoptive parents to be there in person (only one need go, but there’s no way Bekah or I would do it without the other). Formerly, adoptive parents only needed to go to the Embassy date, when they would come to pick up their child.
According to our local agency, this change was made because the Ethiopian government wants to ensure that adoptive parents are committed. Apparently, there had been some occasions when adoptive parents would arrive in Ethiopia to pick up their child and then bailed, leaving the child in legal limbo. They had already passed court, so the child was theirs. But they arrive and perhaps they didn’t get what they thought they signed up for. This is why it is so important to have a reputable agency that represents the truth of the situation. We’ve heard of instances where adoptive parents think they’re getting a healthy child (or reasonably healthy) only to find upon arrival that the child has special needs.
So when is this first trip? It all depends on when we can get a court date. Now that our paperwork is all in place, our agency sends it to Ethiopia, and they work to set us a court date. The estimated wait time for that is 18-20 weeks, so we don’t expect to go until May. There is a slim chance we could get a court date for April, but more likely that it would go later (into June) than earlier.
After the first trip, then it’s another 8-12 weeks until the second trip for the Embassy Date. And that’s assuming we pass the court on our first try. Passing court has nothing to do with how we ‘perform’ in court or whether or not they deem us as good parents-to-be, but rather it’s a paper-chasing, organizational issue on the part of the Ethiopian courts, and yet another thing we have no control over. There is no reason to believe we won’t pass the first court date, but it happens and things can change without notice. We’ve heard of families getting caught in the midst of change too late to do anything about it. So they go to Ethiopia as planned for the court date but do not pass. If a family does not pass court, they are not required to return for subsequent court dates.
So what happens in the first trip? You’ll have to stay tuned for another blog entry! But I can tell you this much: We’ll finally meet our baby boy Bedilu.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"I think one day I'll probably adopt"
Really appreciate all your comments and support - thank you so much - I got very teary from it all.
Things move so slowly in Ethiopia, in part because they have frequent power outages, so internet connections are delayed. They're still working on the request and we hope to have an update before the end of the week. I know it's insane, difficult to get one's head around how all this works (or doesn't!), but trust that we really are doing all we can and unfortunately, this is just part of what is involved in international adoption(IA), particularly IA from an undeveloped country.
This whole experience has been so excruciating; I can't wait for the day where we can feel unequivocal joy about our child and adopting. I'm still trying to navigate my way around how best to communicate with all of you because I want you to know what's going on with the adoption, but at the same time don't want to alarm you or have you wondering if we're doing the right thing. Sometimes I think it would be better to journal instead of blogging, as this is very personal stuff, but have been inclined to post as of late, so we'll see... Sometimes Chaat posts, sometimes I do (you can see the author at the bottom of each post), but I may transition to the journal someday.
Perhaps part of why I'm posting lately is that I think it's important for people that have the interest in adoption to know the realities of it. I know when I was in my early 20's I used to casually say: "Yeah, I think one day I'll probably adopt" and I heard several other people say this too. It's easy to think it's a great idea when it's just a hypothetical, right? Especially when you don't have a significant other yet and you haven't experienced that visceral desire/need to procreate with your partner. And it seems to make so much sense in a way - I mean we're all aware of how overpopulated the world is and how many orphans are in need, right?! But then the reality of it hits and I gotta tell you that out of all the people I heard say they may adopt someday, I'm the only one actually doing it. Cuz it just ain't that easy and most people don't end up doing it unless they've run out of other options. This experience has made me think that I'd really like to do adoption advocacy work someday when all this settles, and we've settled with Bedilu, because it outrages me that something so beneficial to orphans and willing parents is so difficult. Despite all the obstacles thus far, I'm STILL excited (and nervous) about becoming a parent this way.
Things move so slowly in Ethiopia, in part because they have frequent power outages, so internet connections are delayed. They're still working on the request and we hope to have an update before the end of the week. I know it's insane, difficult to get one's head around how all this works (or doesn't!), but trust that we really are doing all we can and unfortunately, this is just part of what is involved in international adoption(IA), particularly IA from an undeveloped country.
This whole experience has been so excruciating; I can't wait for the day where we can feel unequivocal joy about our child and adopting. I'm still trying to navigate my way around how best to communicate with all of you because I want you to know what's going on with the adoption, but at the same time don't want to alarm you or have you wondering if we're doing the right thing. Sometimes I think it would be better to journal instead of blogging, as this is very personal stuff, but have been inclined to post as of late, so we'll see... Sometimes Chaat posts, sometimes I do (you can see the author at the bottom of each post), but I may transition to the journal someday.
Perhaps part of why I'm posting lately is that I think it's important for people that have the interest in adoption to know the realities of it. I know when I was in my early 20's I used to casually say: "Yeah, I think one day I'll probably adopt" and I heard several other people say this too. It's easy to think it's a great idea when it's just a hypothetical, right? Especially when you don't have a significant other yet and you haven't experienced that visceral desire/need to procreate with your partner. And it seems to make so much sense in a way - I mean we're all aware of how overpopulated the world is and how many orphans are in need, right?! But then the reality of it hits and I gotta tell you that out of all the people I heard say they may adopt someday, I'm the only one actually doing it. Cuz it just ain't that easy and most people don't end up doing it unless they've run out of other options. This experience has made me think that I'd really like to do adoption advocacy work someday when all this settles, and we've settled with Bedilu, because it outrages me that something so beneficial to orphans and willing parents is so difficult. Despite all the obstacles thus far, I'm STILL excited (and nervous) about becoming a parent this way.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Serenity Prayer
Just spoke with our case specialist and still no response from Ethiopia about having Bedilu transferred to Addis. Our specialist doesn't expect it to be a quick or easy thing, as it's complicated and involves approval by the Ethiopian govt, but it's been submitted as an URGENT request.
So, to get through these days I just keep repeating:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
So, to get through these days I just keep repeating:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
How quickly the bubble bursts
Literally the day after our celebratory blog post about referral we receive updated photos that our MD had requested over a month ago, regarding an area of skin that was of concern. Not only do the photos not show the area of concern, but Bedilu does not look good at all. He looks emaciated, scared, has a terrible skin rash on his legs and torso, and we’re like: we just accepted a referral to take on this little boy’s life who is in major distress? And we have absolutely no control over what happens to him til he’s in our arms, after our 2nd trip there, and on the plane home?! I’m sure this happens to parents with their biological babies if they find out their baby has a birth defect or ends up in the NICU, but at least there is physical contact with this being, whether in utero or postpartum. This guy is in a developing country, half a world away and we have no idea what the heck is going on there. It’s HEART-WRENCHING.
I minored in Cultural Anthropology in college, I’ve travelled in the 3rd world a lot, I can imagine what it’s like in Ethiopia, how things can get lost in translation, how their idea of healthy is different from ours, how we as Americans have the luxury to obsess over details, facts, science, efficiency, recourse. We know there are power outages there constantly, making for undependable internet and fax connections. But somehow that doesn’t assuage my fears.
Luckily, we have a truly wonderful pediatrician that is advocating for us. She is currently on vacation in NYC, but she responded to an email we sent her with the updated photos right away. She was very concerned too and feels that it’s essential Bedilu get transferred to Addis (the capital of Ethiopia) ASAP. Bedilu is currently in an orphange in a rural area of the Southern region. The care is better in Addis, they have better access to hospitals, labs, etc… We don’t yet know how they’ll respond to her request, as she cannot mandate actions taken in Ethiopia. I know this sounds weird because we’ve invested our absolutely EVERYTHING into this, but this is international adoption (IA) and this is their soil, their laws, their courts, and Bedilu is not legally ours yet. He won’t be until we pass court, which will be scheduled on our first trip and we’re still waiting to hear when that will be – hopefully sometime in May. But I'm choosing to be hopeful that the doctor will have some clout.
Mind you, we’re working with a very ethical, reputable agency and I think even they feel frustrated with their limitations around what they can implement in the quagmire of buerocracy in Ethiopia, so I truly believe that all involved are doing their best.
Anyway, the only guarantee of IA is that it’s unpredictable, so for now we’re staying the course, praying a lot, fighting for our Bedilu, just as he must be fighting for us, and showing him what strength, perseverance, and commitment mean. Please pray for him/send him positive thoughts too – I really think this can make a difference.
I minored in Cultural Anthropology in college, I’ve travelled in the 3rd world a lot, I can imagine what it’s like in Ethiopia, how things can get lost in translation, how their idea of healthy is different from ours, how we as Americans have the luxury to obsess over details, facts, science, efficiency, recourse. We know there are power outages there constantly, making for undependable internet and fax connections. But somehow that doesn’t assuage my fears.
Luckily, we have a truly wonderful pediatrician that is advocating for us. She is currently on vacation in NYC, but she responded to an email we sent her with the updated photos right away. She was very concerned too and feels that it’s essential Bedilu get transferred to Addis (the capital of Ethiopia) ASAP. Bedilu is currently in an orphange in a rural area of the Southern region. The care is better in Addis, they have better access to hospitals, labs, etc… We don’t yet know how they’ll respond to her request, as she cannot mandate actions taken in Ethiopia. I know this sounds weird because we’ve invested our absolutely EVERYTHING into this, but this is international adoption (IA) and this is their soil, their laws, their courts, and Bedilu is not legally ours yet. He won’t be until we pass court, which will be scheduled on our first trip and we’re still waiting to hear when that will be – hopefully sometime in May. But I'm choosing to be hopeful that the doctor will have some clout.
Mind you, we’re working with a very ethical, reputable agency and I think even they feel frustrated with their limitations around what they can implement in the quagmire of buerocracy in Ethiopia, so I truly believe that all involved are doing their best.
Anyway, the only guarantee of IA is that it’s unpredictable, so for now we’re staying the course, praying a lot, fighting for our Bedilu, just as he must be fighting for us, and showing him what strength, perseverance, and commitment mean. Please pray for him/send him positive thoughts too – I really think this can make a difference.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Paperwork
Thanks everyone for all the good vibes and well wishes! We’ve gotten many questions about what’s next, especially on timing, and we’ll fill you in on all that through the blog. Today we want to tell you about paperwork, just to give you a little window into all the hoops.
As many of you know, we’ve already completed mounds of paper work. Seriously, this is more than is required for buying a house! After we accepted our referral, we were given a new to do list of paper work, including:
- Powers of Attorney – for the two people in Ethiopia that will be handling our case. We had previously done powers of attorney, but we’ve been waiting so long that there have since been staff changes, requiring us to do it yet again.
- An updated home study – yep, expired. Gotta get an update.
- Police record and fingerprints – Had to get finger printed at the police station in San Leandro so they could do a records check and confirm that we’re clean
- Employment verification update
- Medical certification – yep we’re still healthy
- A copy of Form I-171H – this form is a confirmation that our I-600A (our fingerprints) is current
- A letter to Ethiopia’s Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MOWA) summarizing why we want to adopt from Ethiopia. We’ve written this letter before, but we had to do it again.
Mind you, all of these documents must be notarized. Not only that, but the notary’s commission must be current and cannot expire while we’re in process, or potentially in process. So to be safe, we had to find a notary whose commission was good until at least 2012 just to be safe. And for the Powers of Attorney and the Home Study, those notarizations need to be certified by the state. Basically, notary is a witness, and certification is official confirmation that the notary is in fact a registered notary. Redundant? Perhaps. We’ve had to do this before and it’s a real inconvenience because you can do it by mail (if you trust our postal service), or you can do it in person in Sacramento at the Secretary of State’s office. My good friend Jamie Fine, who works one day a week in Sacramento, saved us the trip and got these docs certified for us while he was in Sacto for business. Thanks Jamie!! You rock!
And of course none of this is free. Notaries cost money, and so does certification. Additionally, there are other administrative costs for couriers, certifications in Minnesota (where our agency is located), and for the Ethiopian Embassy for processing.
We were given until the end of the month to complete the paperwork, but we finished it all up last week and the package was received in MN yesterday. We should be good for the time being…but our fingerprints for the I-600A will “expire” (yep, who knew that fingerprints go bad!) in June, so we may have to do that again if we’re not back with Bedilu by summertime. They had already expired once, in June 2010, so we had to redo them to get an updated I-600A extension. The first extension is free, but if we have to do them again we’ll be charged a fee.
As difficult and annoying as all of this is, at least now we know we’re doing it for Bedilu. At least we can feel like we’re doing something to move the ball forward. But now that this is done, it seems we are waiting again, this time for a court date. In the meantime, there’s still plenty for us to do, like getting the house ready, thinking about gear/registry, figuring out travel plans for Ethiopia, and preparing our friends and family for what we can all expect.
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