Chicken Soup for the Adoptive Parent's Soul

One of Chaat's x-coworkers, Sarah Allen, gifted us the most amazingly wonderful present a few weeks ago. She lives in Washington D.C. and actually thought to send us a big envelope full of small pieces of paper that she wrote slogans on - each containing a different piece of sage advice, hope, affirmation, or something to simply make us crack up laughing. She said to randomly pick one from the envelope whenever the mood strikes. The first one I chose was "He is coming to you". How auspicious is that?!!! When you see that she didn't even write these specific to our situation, it's clear how truly auspicious it was.

Apparently Sarah had written these awhile ago for a friend of hers that was going through a tough time (not an adoption) and the friend said it helped her so much that she gave them back to her and told her she should pass them on to someone else going through difficulties. So Sarah passed them on to us and labeled them "Chicken Soup for the Adoptive Parent's Soul". And chicken soup it is; it's been so helpful and healing for me. Yesterday, after feeling completely friggin' fed up with not getting any news about Bedilu's growth or the visit from the Mayo MDs, I blindly picked one out of the envelope and it said "Decide today that you don't give a shit". It was exactly what I needed to hear, made me able to let go and feel better with the not knowing, and put a huge smile on my face.

Tonight I picked one and it said "You are brave. You are courageous". This process has certainly made me more of each of those things, no doubt.

Thank you Sarah! You are truly an angel.

Travel dates?

A couple of people have asked what our travel dates will be after reading Wednesday's exciting news of our court date. We wish we knew! As you've undoubtedly noticed so far, nothing about this process is simple, easy, or efficient, so we're trying to get used to that being the status quo. What we are waiting on is for our agency to send us an itinerary and that's based on when the birth family/person who found child is available to meet with us. I'll talk about birth family/finder in a future post.

Part of why we chose our particular agency is that they facilitate this meeting, which not only proves that the child has been voluntarily relinquished (not kidnapped, which sadly does happen), but it gives us this amazing opportunity to find out more about our child and ask any questions we may have. We can also take pictures of her/him/them and later show them to Bedilu so that he has as much of his history in Ethiopia as possible. We think this transparency that our agency provides is really important and special. Needless to say, it's probably going to be the most intense encounter of our lives and I'm sure many tears will be shed.

Anyway, that's what we're waiting on to know our exact travel dates, but it'll be very close to our court date on 4/20/11, so it's probably safe to say we'll be leaving for Ethiopia on 4/15 or 4/16.

COURT DATE, yippie!!!

So, we've been on pins and needles waiting for several things: news on whether or not Bedilu will be transferred to Addis, news from the Mayo Clinic MDs visit, and any updates on his growth measurements. Needless to say, it's been very difficult to wait so long with no updates and although we still haven't received news on these things, we did get a WONDERFUL piece of news which is that we've been scheduled for a court date for April 20th! This is EXTREMELY exciting for us because it means that there is progress and we can finally schedule our first trip to Ethiopia (where court is held). And we're a major step closer to getting Bedilu home. Once we pass court he will legally be our child. Chaat wrote a good explanation of how court works in his post titled "Timelines" if you want to refer to that.

Of course we're super anxious to get an update on Bedilu's health, particularly given our MD's concern, but we've learned that internet access is being limited in Ethiopia because of the political unrest that's occurring in neighboring countries, so it's made getting news from there quite difficult. We're hoping to get some new info from our agency any day now.

You may not want to read the following because I'm just going to vent about stuff that's been bottled up the last month (more for me just to get it out). It never ceases to amaze me how just when my patience is worn so thin and I think I can't bare it anymore, so much so to the point of seriously considering dropping out of this crazy process, something happens that instills a glimmer of hope again. For the last month I've been a wreck inside, thinking about Bedilu and our inability to be with him or care for him. It's amazing how attached we already feel to this little being that we've never met; the attachment started the minute we got our referral in December and read his story and saw his picture. I've also just felt really helpless and angry about how everything is being handled, but I've learned that adoption agencies (not just ours) actually have little control over what happens in the country where the children are. Of course they have some influence and can ask things,carefully request things while being culturally sensitive, but ultimately the Ethiopian gov't is in charge and it's their system, their children. It's a hard pill to swallow and not one I was prepared for when embarking on this. The local agency that we did our adoption homestudy with should have educated us better about all this and it's something I plan on giving them feedback about. The agency that we're doing the international adoption part through is a different one located in Minnesota and they certainly are doing all they can to advocate for us, but this is basically the reality of IA.

Canceled flight delays my meeting with new niece

I know many of you have been asking (offline) for more blog updates. It can often be a challenge when we hear no new news ourselves! We're still waiting on a court date, we're considering our travel plans, and we're waiting on news of when the Mayo Clinic pediatricians will get to see our son. Our doctor has sent her recommendations to our agency, and we've been assured that that will be shared with the Mayo docs.

In the meantime, many of you may know that I'm a new uncle! My brother and his wife had a beautiful baby girl just a few months ago. A Sagittarius, just like me, so you know she's going to be awesome. Our son is about 6 weeks older than her, and we look forward to seeing the two of them grow up as cousins. So before things get too crazy on our end with imminent travel to Ethiopia, I want to meet my new niece.

So a couple of months ago I planned a trip to visit my brother (and sister) in NYC for the Presidents Day weekend. My parents were going to visit the same weekend so the whole family could get together, but they got the weekend wrong (confused presidents birthday for presidents day OBSERVED). They ended up going the weekend prior. As for me, I was going to take a red-eye on Thursday night, work from my brother and sister-in-law's place in Long Island City, and then hang for the weekend.

I show up at the airport on time (930 for a 1035pm red-eye), but should have checked for weather delays. rain and wind in the bay area put the incoming flight about an hour behind schedule. I settle in, run into a friend of a friend who is on the same flight. We chat. We wait. The plane lands near 11pm and they announce that one of the flight attendants fell ill on the way here and is on the way to the hospital. So they are short staffed and scrambling to find a sub. A difficult proposition given that JetBlue's nearest reserve city is Long Beach. It's after 11pm and most flights are in. Finally at 1140pm, they announce that the flight is CANCELED because they are short one flight attendant to legally get off the ground. BOOO!!!

There's a mad scramble at the gate as people try to reschedule their flights. I try to get rebooked, but it's a holiday weekend and they can't get me to my destination until Saturday afternoon. Whatever! That would make my trip too short, and if I wanted to extend it, I don't know that I'd have any luck because it is a holiday weekend and everything is pretty booked. so I decide i'll put off my trip for a month.

There's a catch. JetBlue refunds my points (made my flight reservation using points), but to reschedule for one month later the flight will cost me 50% more points!!! It's totally BS, but it seems there's no away around that. So I'm filing a complaint with JetBlue because their $50 credit voucher is at least $100 short of what I'd need to reschedule a flight that they had to cancel. AAAARGGGG!!!

Anyway, I haven't yet booked the flight. trying to work a few more things out, but I expect to meet my niece around my sister's birthday. Double bill! We hope we'll be much closer to a court date or actual travel by then.

The Roller Coaster

Sorry for the hiatus. Last week was a bit of a roller coaster. Well, this whole thing is a ride, really.
As you know, we've been trying to get our boy to Addis. He's barely gaining weight and we'd like a doctor to examine him. But the docs don't make it out to the rural area much, and they don't have the facilities there for tests. So Addis it must be.

Early last week our case specialist sent us a PDF of a fax from the nurse at the orphanage saying that Bedilu is healthy, no vomiting, no diarrhea, no sign of dehydration, no fever, no danger signs. signs of malnutrition but nothing deathly. His growth charts are still way behind, but his head circumference is growing well so that's good. Maybe he'll have a big head just like dad (me)!

What we see here is a classic case of relative perspective. From our point of view, things don't look good. From their point of view, as scary as it sounds, they've probably seen much worse. Our doctor recommends transfer and sees things more gravely. The Ethiopia staff will take her recommendations under advisement, but ultimately it's their decision. It's hard to take comfort in that, but we really don't have much choice. But choosing to see the brighter side of a dim picture doesn't mean we're satisfied or will stop trying to improve it.

We still don't know if or when a transfer to Addis will happen. And even if it does, we learned last week that the babies will continue to be cup fed. This is hard for us to accept because we know of other cases/care centers/adoption agencies that do bottle feeding.

Late last week we had a conversation with our doctor. She revisited the medical records and the photos and she tempered her assessment a bit. She said if given the same records today, she'd still make the same assessments as she did when we first retained her. That might not sound great, but it was actually an improvement over our last conversation with her. You'll recall that she had assessed the photos and was very concerned. Regarding the new photos we discussed a couple of blog posts ago, she said the skin stuff looks like something that can be treated, not a permanent condition. She was concerned about the lack of catch-up growth, but then said it's the nurse who is with the baby, not her. She said the assessment is probably somewhere between the nurse's view and her view. We've got different standards than they do, and we need to try and trust the care he's being given there, especially given the fact that we don't have control over it.

Then on Friday, our case specialist told us that pediatricians from the Mayo Clinic are going to travel to the orphanage in a few weeks and are scheduled to see Bedilu. Although weeks seem like months, I'm happy to hear it. We're looking forward to that assessment.

So in increments, I try to find these little glimmers of hope and savor tiny victories, because that's all we really have. It's too easy to get wrapped up in what's not working, but that's not my style. Yet I don't want to be ignorant or in denial. It's a fine line. It's a roller coaster.

Timelines

I know what you’re thinking. At least I think I do. WHEN?

Perhaps the most frequent question we get when we tell people the news of our referral is So when is it happening? When are you bringing him home? We wish we knew! We have no dates to report, but here’s an overview of estimated timelines as of how things stand right now. Mind you, these are estimates and things are apt to change without notice (much as we have experienced since this whole process began in 2008).

The first thing you should know is that Ethiopia recently changed to a two-trip process. Ironically, one of the reasons why we chose Ethiopia is because it only required one trip of about one week. That has changed last summer. The Ethiopian government announced that it was going to require adoptive parents to attend the court date in person. In the past, a representative who works with our agency was given Power of Attorney to do the court business. But now they require adoptive parents to be there in person (only one need go, but there’s no way Bekah or I would do it without the other). Formerly, adoptive parents only needed to go to the Embassy date, when they would come to pick up their child.

According to our local agency, this change was made because the Ethiopian government wants to ensure that adoptive parents are committed. Apparently, there had been some occasions when adoptive parents would arrive in Ethiopia to pick up their child and then bailed, leaving the child in legal limbo. They had already passed court, so the child was theirs. But they arrive and perhaps they didn’t get what they thought they signed up for. This is why it is so important to have a reputable agency that represents the truth of the situation. We’ve heard of instances where adoptive parents think they’re getting a healthy child (or reasonably healthy) only to find upon arrival that the child has special needs.

So when is this first trip? It all depends on when we can get a court date. Now that our paperwork is all in place, our agency sends it to Ethiopia, and they work to set us a court date. The estimated wait time for that is 18-20 weeks, so we don’t expect to go until May. There is a slim chance we could get a court date for April, but more likely that it would go later (into June) than earlier.

After the first trip, then it’s another 8-12 weeks until the second trip for the Embassy Date. And that’s assuming we pass the court on our first try. Passing court has nothing to do with how we ‘perform’ in court or whether or not they deem us as good parents-to-be, but rather it’s a paper-chasing, organizational issue on the part of the Ethiopian courts, and yet another thing we have no control over. There is no reason to believe we won’t pass the first court date, but it happens and things can change without notice. We’ve heard of families getting caught in the midst of change too late to do anything about it. So they go to Ethiopia as planned for the court date but do not pass. If a family does not pass court, they are not required to return for subsequent court dates.

So what happens in the first trip? You’ll have to stay tuned for another blog entry! But I can tell you this much: We’ll finally meet our baby boy Bedilu.

"I think one day I'll probably adopt"

Really appreciate all your comments and support - thank you so much - I got very teary from it all.

Things move so slowly in Ethiopia, in part because they have frequent power outages, so internet connections are delayed. They're still working on the request and we hope to have an update before the end of the week. I know it's insane, difficult to get one's head around how all this works (or doesn't!), but trust that we really are doing all we can and unfortunately, this is just part of what is involved in international adoption(IA), particularly IA from an undeveloped country.

This whole experience has been so excruciating; I can't wait for the day where we can feel unequivocal joy about our child and adopting. I'm still trying to navigate my way around how best to communicate with all of you because I want you to know what's going on with the adoption, but at the same time don't want to alarm you or have you wondering if we're doing the right thing. Sometimes I think it would be better to journal instead of blogging, as this is very personal stuff, but have been inclined to post as of late, so we'll see... Sometimes Chaat posts, sometimes I do (you can see the author at the bottom of each post), but I may transition to the journal someday.

Perhaps part of why I'm posting lately is that I think it's important for people that have the interest in adoption to know the realities of it. I know when I was in my early 20's I used to casually say: "Yeah, I think one day I'll probably adopt" and I heard several other people say this too. It's easy to think it's a great idea when it's just a hypothetical, right? Especially when you don't have a significant other yet and you haven't experienced that visceral desire/need to procreate with your partner. And it seems to make so much sense in a way - I mean we're all aware of how overpopulated the world is and how many orphans are in need, right?! But then the reality of it hits and I gotta tell you that out of all the people I heard say they may adopt someday, I'm the only one actually doing it. Cuz it just ain't that easy and most people don't end up doing it unless they've run out of other options. This experience has made me think that I'd really like to do adoption advocacy work someday when all this settles, and we've settled with Bedilu, because it outrages me that something so beneficial to orphans and willing parents is so difficult. Despite all the obstacles thus far, I'm STILL excited (and nervous) about becoming a parent this way.