Okay, let’s be honest: waiting sucks. I mean if it were a pregnancy (my pregnancy that is) the 9th month might suck due to being physically uncomfortable, but at least I’d know it’s finite. This just seems interminable and it’s so hard not knowing when, or really, if, it’s going to happen. As you know, we’re meant to get a referral anytime between December and June, but meanwhile there’s this deafening silence. Several people with our agency have complained about this silence and consequently the agency supposedly started a new policy: to contact waiting families once a month even though there’s likely no news or updates, just to make human contact. You know – to comfort us and let us know that we’re not forgotten. I thought this was a fabulous idea, particularly because our agency is based in Minneapolis and we’ve never met our Case Specialist, so it’s easy to feel like maybe they’ve lost our paperwork out here in California. This new policy has been in place for 2 months and unfortunately, our Case Specialist has neglected to contact us both months, although there is one day left of this month, so hopefully tomorrow will bring a pleasant surprise. Last month I had to be very persistent in making contact and I was hoping this month would be different.
That’s where it’s at today at the Doddsunturn’s.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Berbere
One great thing about adopting from Ethiopia is that we happen to live in an area of Oakland where there is a pretty big Ethiopian community, so there’s lots of Ethiopian restaurants and markets around. Naturally while waiting, we’re trying to learn as much as we can about Ethiopian culture, so because I love to cook I thought I’d start with the food. The main spice mixture used in all Ethiopian dishes is called berbere and it contains a lot of my favorite spices (cardamon, cumin, ginger, cayenne, allspice, cloves, black pepper, fenugreek). So I went to the market and easily found berbere and fresh injera (the pancake-like bread made of teff flour that’s served with all dishes) and made my first Ethiopian dish: Doro Wat. It’s a braised chicken dish – really rich, spicy, buttery, and it turned out good. I think it needs a little tweaking in proportions, but Chaat loved it!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
What's a referral anyway?
Okay, so I wanted to explain what the referral process is and attempt to explain why we’re waiting so long to get our child. A lot of people seem to think getting a referral means we get our child, but that's not how it works, so just wanted to clarify.
When we receive our referral it means that we find out, for the very first time, who our child is: boy or girl, age, a photo, and as much health and family history that is available on that particular child. Right now we have no idea if our child has been born or not or who the parents are; international adoption (IA) is very different from domestic adoption that way. So when we get our referral we have 2 weeks to consider it, show the profile to a pediatrician who specializes in IA, and then accept or decline the referral. Of course we pray there’d be no reason to decline the referral after waiting so long, but you never know. If we accept the referral, it’s still several months before actually getting our child. A court date is scheduled in Ethiopia and it’s quite common that the case does not pass on the first go around, not because it’s not a legitimate case, but because there was a missing piece of paper (try and imagine a court system in a 3rd world country – things move very slowly and inefficiently from an American’s perspective). So then another date is set and more waiting ensues. When the child passes court, then we can buy our plane tix and plan to travel usually 1 month later. In sum, the time between referral and travel is about 4 – 8 months.
A couple of posts ago I said we expect to get a referral in December of 2009 and pick up our child in March 2010. Well, the wait time with our agency has increased since we submitted our dossier last December and it’s now 12 to 18 months. This of course was devastating news for us – we’ve been trying to have a family since 2003 for crying out loud! Sometimes I honestly wonder if it’s ever going to happen and if there’s some reason God doesn’t want us to be parents (that’s on a bad day). On better days, I surrender to the process and have faith that it will all happen when it’s meant to and that once we have our baby in our arms, none of the work and waiting will matter.
It’s really hard to explain the long wait time when we all know how many millions of children there are in need of parents and homes. It just seems so unfair to have the children waiting in orphanages when we and so many other parents-to-be would love to have them here with us! Basically, the increased bureaucracy is to protect the children and ensure that they have actually been relinquished, not kidnapped and sold. The other factors that increase wait time are that there are fewer countries open for IA at the moment and there are more people interested in adopting internationally than ever before.
The jist of it: we could receive a referral anytime between January and June of 2010 and have our child 4 -5 months after that. As you can see, the windows are broad. IA is definitely not a predictable, orderly process, so it’s requiring an immense amount of patience.
When we receive our referral it means that we find out, for the very first time, who our child is: boy or girl, age, a photo, and as much health and family history that is available on that particular child. Right now we have no idea if our child has been born or not or who the parents are; international adoption (IA) is very different from domestic adoption that way. So when we get our referral we have 2 weeks to consider it, show the profile to a pediatrician who specializes in IA, and then accept or decline the referral. Of course we pray there’d be no reason to decline the referral after waiting so long, but you never know. If we accept the referral, it’s still several months before actually getting our child. A court date is scheduled in Ethiopia and it’s quite common that the case does not pass on the first go around, not because it’s not a legitimate case, but because there was a missing piece of paper (try and imagine a court system in a 3rd world country – things move very slowly and inefficiently from an American’s perspective). So then another date is set and more waiting ensues. When the child passes court, then we can buy our plane tix and plan to travel usually 1 month later. In sum, the time between referral and travel is about 4 – 8 months.
A couple of posts ago I said we expect to get a referral in December of 2009 and pick up our child in March 2010. Well, the wait time with our agency has increased since we submitted our dossier last December and it’s now 12 to 18 months. This of course was devastating news for us – we’ve been trying to have a family since 2003 for crying out loud! Sometimes I honestly wonder if it’s ever going to happen and if there’s some reason God doesn’t want us to be parents (that’s on a bad day). On better days, I surrender to the process and have faith that it will all happen when it’s meant to and that once we have our baby in our arms, none of the work and waiting will matter.
It’s really hard to explain the long wait time when we all know how many millions of children there are in need of parents and homes. It just seems so unfair to have the children waiting in orphanages when we and so many other parents-to-be would love to have them here with us! Basically, the increased bureaucracy is to protect the children and ensure that they have actually been relinquished, not kidnapped and sold. The other factors that increase wait time are that there are fewer countries open for IA at the moment and there are more people interested in adopting internationally than ever before.
The jist of it: we could receive a referral anytime between January and June of 2010 and have our child 4 -5 months after that. As you can see, the windows are broad. IA is definitely not a predictable, orderly process, so it’s requiring an immense amount of patience.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Privacy
I'm sure some of you are wondering why I sent out the new 'invitation only' blog readership. Unfortunately, I've learned from several sources that there's actually not an insignificant number of anti-adoption people and organizations out there (Unicef being one of them) and so it's recommended that we not keep our blog public. After all our labor and waiting to get a child, we obviously don't want to do anything that would sabotage our adoption. I was hesitant to do the privacy settings because I don't want it to be a deterrent for you all to read our blog, but I realized that on several occasions when I wanted to post, I didn't because of being concerned about privacy. So, now that it's private I PROMISE to post more often because I really do have a lot of thoughts, information, and emotions to share about our adoption!
Please let us know if you're having any difficulty viewing it and feel free to ask questions or post comments. I'm going to post again this weekend to explain the referral process and what all this waiting is about.
Thanks for your support everyone!
Please let us know if you're having any difficulty viewing it and feel free to ask questions or post comments. I'm going to post again this weekend to explain the referral process and what all this waiting is about.
Thanks for your support everyone!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Waiting...
You wonder if its ever going to happen. the process has started. and for a while it seemed like there was some momentum.
And then nothing.
I'm not just talking about our blog. I'm talking about our adoption. Since we officially got on the wait list in December, there's really been nothing to report. It's a game of hurry up and wait.
I try not to get too hung up on the wait. and in ways it's not difficult to just live life as we always have. and yet we don't want this experience to be an abstract thing. we need to feel it, to experience it. its highs and lows, ups and downs. it can be a roller coaster of emotion, but we don't feel bipolar about it. mostly pretty steady.
I suppose that's one thing that's made it difficult for us to blog. What do we write when there's nothing really to report? I (chaat here) appreciate it when my friends ask me about our adoption. My family used to ask me about adoption around the new year, but as there's been little to report since, their inquiries have lessened. and that's a mixed bag. I like to know that my friends and family are interested, and sometimes i feel frustrated that there's nothing to report.
But I guess just writing about this part of the process, the waiting, is therapeutic. And I suppose it is of interest to our circle to get a little window into our mindset.
This whole blogging thing is a new thing for us. We often don't feel like we have time, or don't know what to say. But I tell myself (and Bek) that we really don't need to say much. even just a few words about where we're at today. how we're feeling. or maybe we bide our time telling you bits of our story, in a retrospective serial novel of sorts.
So what do we do while we wait? Well, we're trying to do a bunch of things that we know will be more difficult to do once we have a child. Some of it is fun (travel, go out to eat, I hear we should see more movies in the theater), and some if it is just getting things done (preparing the house, maybe a little remodel of this or that, work). So we'll try to be better about updating this thing to keep you updated on how we're doing if nothing else.
Today we're doing just fine :-)
And then nothing.
I'm not just talking about our blog. I'm talking about our adoption. Since we officially got on the wait list in December, there's really been nothing to report. It's a game of hurry up and wait.
I try not to get too hung up on the wait. and in ways it's not difficult to just live life as we always have. and yet we don't want this experience to be an abstract thing. we need to feel it, to experience it. its highs and lows, ups and downs. it can be a roller coaster of emotion, but we don't feel bipolar about it. mostly pretty steady.
I suppose that's one thing that's made it difficult for us to blog. What do we write when there's nothing really to report? I (chaat here) appreciate it when my friends ask me about our adoption. My family used to ask me about adoption around the new year, but as there's been little to report since, their inquiries have lessened. and that's a mixed bag. I like to know that my friends and family are interested, and sometimes i feel frustrated that there's nothing to report.
But I guess just writing about this part of the process, the waiting, is therapeutic. And I suppose it is of interest to our circle to get a little window into our mindset.
This whole blogging thing is a new thing for us. We often don't feel like we have time, or don't know what to say. But I tell myself (and Bek) that we really don't need to say much. even just a few words about where we're at today. how we're feeling. or maybe we bide our time telling you bits of our story, in a retrospective serial novel of sorts.
So what do we do while we wait? Well, we're trying to do a bunch of things that we know will be more difficult to do once we have a child. Some of it is fun (travel, go out to eat, I hear we should see more movies in the theater), and some if it is just getting things done (preparing the house, maybe a little remodel of this or that, work). So we'll try to be better about updating this thing to keep you updated on how we're doing if nothing else.
Today we're doing just fine :-)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Closing out 2008!
On this New Year’s Eve I, like most, find myself taking stock of 2008. It didn’t really dawn on me how much we’ve accomplished this year until now. We have completed both our homestudy and dossier for our adoption, have been approved, and are now officially on the wait list to receive a referral for a child from Ethiopia! It took 7 long months and felt like writing a thesis, but now that work is behind us and we’re a step closer to having our little bambino/bambina. Adoption aside, we’ve also completed a remodel project that we had talked about doing for years: converting our detached garage into a liveable, insulated space with a bathroom and closet. It’s essentially an in-law, but without a kitchen and it looks fantastic! It will soon be our office and refuge from the madness that will ensue with parenthood. Then our current office/spare bedroom will be the baby’s room. I’ve settled into my job and feel comfortable being a nurse now. Chaat continues to like his work, his co-workers, and we both feel fortunate to be employed in these times.
Back to adoption stuff though. I realize in reviewing our previous posts that we never explained a bunch of background that lead to our adoption. We actually started trying to have our own biological child way back in 2003, went through many trials (of all kinds!) and tribulations with that (which many of you already know about), then I got accepted to a graduate program I had been dreaming of doing for many years and that put having a child on the back burner for a couple of years. After I was gainfully employed with my new degree, we came back to the idea of having a child, but with a new perspective. We knew we wanted to adopt instead of having our own. Frankly, at my age, the idea of pregnancy and birth is altogether unappealing. And neither of us was up for more bodily manipulations of IVF, the hopes, expectations, and disappointments, not to mention the unknown risks. Looking back on all that now, we feel relief to no longer have that attachment to seeing our own genes play out and to be free of that obsessiveness of IVF that so many people suffer in.
At first, the whole world of adoption was pretty intimidating for us. Where do we start, what agency do we use, how do we decide international vs. domestic? It took awhile just to get educated about it all. One reason we decided against domestic adoption was that the birth mother has up to 30 days to change her mind after giving birth, despite the adoptive parents thinking everything is final and they’ve taken the baby home and bonded. We couldn’t imagine potentially going through something like that. Of course many people complete domestic adoptions successfully, but that was a risk we weren’t willing to take. International adoption just felt right. We’ve both travelled a lot and I’ve always loved other cultures and languages, so that choice wasn’t so difficult. But then it was which country? Naturally, because of Chaat’s heritage, we looked into both the Phillipines and Thailand, but neither worked out. To adopt from the Phillipines you need to be Catholic, something we weren’t even willing to feign, and under 40years old. Thailand doesn’t do many adoptions at all and the children they do have up for adoption are around 4-10 years old, often with a known medical condition. We want a healthy infant. Then we thought of South America because I’m fluent in Spanish and have travelled the continent, but there’s very few countries doing adoption, it takes a long time, and is difficult to get infants. Then we looked into Kazikstan, but that requires 3 trips, one of which has to be 6 weeks in length – out of the question for two people working full-time. Ethiopia is one of the countries that’s moving a little faster than others, it only involves one trip for one week, and you can still get infants, so it’s definitely the best fit for us.
Although Ethiopia is moving faster than other countries, it still takes a long time; we expect to get a referral in December of 2009 and then travel to pick up our child in around March of 2010. So that gives you an idea of how challenging international adoption has become! Basically, there was a lot of corruption – people kidnapping kids and selling them, so many countries shut down (like Guatemala and Vietnam) and something called the Hague Convention was implemented to prevent this kind of thing. I don’t’ want to bore you all with too many details, so you can google it if you want to find out more about it. Ultimately it’s a good thing, but it means that there’s more red tape and things take much longer.
There’s much more to tell and I’ll explain the referral process in the next blog entry, but now it’s time to get out and celebrate the new year. Happy New Year everyone!!! May 2009 bring us a speedy referral and everyone lots of good health, fun, growth, and prosperity!
Back to adoption stuff though. I realize in reviewing our previous posts that we never explained a bunch of background that lead to our adoption. We actually started trying to have our own biological child way back in 2003, went through many trials (of all kinds!) and tribulations with that (which many of you already know about), then I got accepted to a graduate program I had been dreaming of doing for many years and that put having a child on the back burner for a couple of years. After I was gainfully employed with my new degree, we came back to the idea of having a child, but with a new perspective. We knew we wanted to adopt instead of having our own. Frankly, at my age, the idea of pregnancy and birth is altogether unappealing. And neither of us was up for more bodily manipulations of IVF, the hopes, expectations, and disappointments, not to mention the unknown risks. Looking back on all that now, we feel relief to no longer have that attachment to seeing our own genes play out and to be free of that obsessiveness of IVF that so many people suffer in.
At first, the whole world of adoption was pretty intimidating for us. Where do we start, what agency do we use, how do we decide international vs. domestic? It took awhile just to get educated about it all. One reason we decided against domestic adoption was that the birth mother has up to 30 days to change her mind after giving birth, despite the adoptive parents thinking everything is final and they’ve taken the baby home and bonded. We couldn’t imagine potentially going through something like that. Of course many people complete domestic adoptions successfully, but that was a risk we weren’t willing to take. International adoption just felt right. We’ve both travelled a lot and I’ve always loved other cultures and languages, so that choice wasn’t so difficult. But then it was which country? Naturally, because of Chaat’s heritage, we looked into both the Phillipines and Thailand, but neither worked out. To adopt from the Phillipines you need to be Catholic, something we weren’t even willing to feign, and under 40years old. Thailand doesn’t do many adoptions at all and the children they do have up for adoption are around 4-10 years old, often with a known medical condition. We want a healthy infant. Then we thought of South America because I’m fluent in Spanish and have travelled the continent, but there’s very few countries doing adoption, it takes a long time, and is difficult to get infants. Then we looked into Kazikstan, but that requires 3 trips, one of which has to be 6 weeks in length – out of the question for two people working full-time. Ethiopia is one of the countries that’s moving a little faster than others, it only involves one trip for one week, and you can still get infants, so it’s definitely the best fit for us.
Although Ethiopia is moving faster than other countries, it still takes a long time; we expect to get a referral in December of 2009 and then travel to pick up our child in around March of 2010. So that gives you an idea of how challenging international adoption has become! Basically, there was a lot of corruption – people kidnapping kids and selling them, so many countries shut down (like Guatemala and Vietnam) and something called the Hague Convention was implemented to prevent this kind of thing. I don’t’ want to bore you all with too many details, so you can google it if you want to find out more about it. Ultimately it’s a good thing, but it means that there’s more red tape and things take much longer.
There’s much more to tell and I’ll explain the referral process in the next blog entry, but now it’s time to get out and celebrate the new year. Happy New Year everyone!!! May 2009 bring us a speedy referral and everyone lots of good health, fun, growth, and prosperity!
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